Blind and kind

July 27, 2006

By Dan Turpin

Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person! It is a matter of being the right person.

— Author Unknown

With the competent skill of a 21-year-old expert, I began the delicate work of giving my new bride a complete personality lift. She had captured my heart with her virtues but there were a few obvious defects that needed my attention. Stubbornly I embraced her flaws with a persistent determination and began taking her apart. Soon my bride was reduced to a bundle of broken pieces.

I was not alone in my endeavors. My wife also had some interesting ideas and began her own remodeling work. We hacked, cut and tore out that which didn’t fit into our idealistic spouse molds. In just a few years we were one breath short of an autopsy.

Through it all we learned there are two periods in a man’s and woman’s life when they don’t understand one another — before and after marriage.

Neil Clark Warren tells us the amount of conflict in a marriage only determines the speed at which the marriage is moving toward greatness or toward destruction. We didn’t want a divorce so we sought help. We read everything about marriage available to us. We really did love each other, but there was something missing in our relationship.

At first we thought we had problems because we were so different. But that wasn’t true. Differences can and should become a strength in marriage. We had to learn to blend our individual identities into a new whole. How? First, we had to stop trying to change one other and focus on changing ourselves. Next, we had to respect each other.

Compatibility in relationship is a byproduct of respect and respect is the glue that holds relationships together. How does it work? Husband, make those things that are important to your wife important to you. Wife, make those things that are important to your husband important to you. Stop hacking and begin focusing on the good qualities of your mate. Remember it is hard, almost impossible, to love someone you don’t respect or admire for something.

Don’t forget to do loving things for one another. Peter Lowe said, “Performing acts of love and respect will cultivate feelings of love and respect in you.”

Don’t focus on negative character traits. Think about this rendering of 1 Peter 3:7, “Marriage partners, dwell together with understanding and honor one another as being heirs of God’s grace together, in spite of your individual differences or weaknesses, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” Peter mentions respect because it is the glue holding lasting relationships together. Respect is always the first thing lost in a failing relationship.

Recently, I gleaned this word of advice from an article I read: Be to the virtues of your mate very kind, and be to their faults a little blind.

Dan Turpin is senior pastor of West Coast Church (AG) in Englewood, Fla.